"I chase sunsets in hopes of meeting you at the horizon where heaven and earth collide" - Unknown
Yesterday would of been my Dad's 60th Birthday. I have been tense coming up to this date, unsure how my body will respond. Will it fall apart, shut down, convulse, or go numb at the unimaginable? He was suppose to make 60, he was suppose to make 80 too.... I feel like he was robbed, I was robbed. I feel frustrated and angry and an emotion unknown to me, I don't think there is a word for it. If I picture it, its a smokey blackness. Yesterday I decided to take the day off work and have a day where there was zero obligation. No smiling out of politeness or balancing of work/life. No anxiety over what needs to be done or running around cramming everything in to a ridiculous day. I wanted a day just to sit and be with his memory, try and feel his presence that I so dearly miss. Connect with him by connecting with the girl he created. We lived in separate countries, 10 years of distance. Whenever we spoke I would let him know he was missed. He would always say "Go live your life kid, cause no ones going to live it for you' So I have decided to spend his birthdays moving forward as a day for living. That could be a day at the beach soaking in the glorious warmth of the sun or doing something crazy and facing a fear but it will be 100% true to however I feel at that moment. Its a promise to be present, living in the moment for a whole day in memory to the person I knew who did that better than anyone else. So, life after death, what happens next? There is the concept of reincarnation, that we come back again for another round. That our soul never dies. I find a lot of comfort in this. They say your closest friends and family follow you through every cycle. That your best friend may be your husband next or was your mother, that souls know no age or gender. I think my Dad is up in heaven or wherever that may be, sitting down for a debrief with who ever co-creates this magnificent world we live in. He had learnt whatever great lesson he had seeked and will pick whatever he needs to work on next, and Ill be right by his side in one form or another. Always teaching each other to be our best selves. I love you Dad.
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AuthorWoman. Lover. Fur Mother. Creative Archives
December 2016
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